Thanks for your observations. It is true that sometimes neighbors or friends intervene, but the participants in the family dysfunction feel isolated and alone. I was shocked to find out now, as a 55 yo woman, that our neighbors had been aware our family was broken.
It takes a great amount of courage to share something so vulnerable. These experiences are indelible and it takes a vast amount of bravery to continue to not only function but thrive with such a pernicious parent in the home. Look at you. You are beautiful.
Oh, that was beautifully written. Is it Hemingway who said to “write what is true?” Mark Twain? It’s probably been said a lot. It seems to be good advice in your case, because both of these ponderings on your parents are as full of pathos as any full-length novel. Phew. Gorgeously described, heavy life. Funny too. The line about your mom’s attempts to help you see the imperfections in the marriage you enjoy being in is ✨
Your family life experience is a bit similar to my own. My parents were unhappily married all along, but thankfully they parted ways without physical violence. My wife reminds me of your mother in that she always has simmering distrust of the neighbors. My daughter and I think the wife next door is nice while my wife despises her most of all for being pretty and suspiciously conventional.
I am sorry that your childhood was also marred by family dysfunction. There are so many of us that grow up thinking we are in a bubble, isolated from the rest of the world. As they say, no man is an island. It turns out we are all connected. We can support each other. Thanks for sharing your experience.
You write beautifully of a child’s fear and the self-consciousness that open windows might leak the family’s terrible secret. This piece gave me chills, and also a huge respect for how you’ve replaced that fear with intimacy both in your marriage and with your friendships.
My much older sisters grew up when my parents' marriage was much more harmonious. They felt deeply hurt by the conflict, yet one of them told me that I likely would never be able to articulate how much our parents' separation hurt me when I was 10. My younger brother has grown up so malevolent that none of us can speak with him any longer.
Dear friend, thank you for sharing your story. I have known the outline and your beautiful and heartbreaking description makes me think of little you and the importance of connection. And the healing you may be feeling as well as the healing you might bring to others by sharing it.
Wow. This is so powerful. I'm grateful to you for being able and willing to pull the covers off the lie. I was always aware that my neighbors knew. They called the police several times. They sent a representative to speak to my dad. The police told my dad to go to bed and sleep it off. Everyone shook their heads: someone's gonna get hurt. They were powerless because the laws were toothless. A man's home was his castle, unless the woman signed a complaint. What woman in her right mind would do that? Where would she sleep after doing a thing like that? Where would the four children sleep?
So, I knew they knew, and still we kept the secret. In family meetings, which usually came after a particularly violent outbreak, my father made us repeat: "We do not talk to outsiders about what happens in the family." That was the gaslighting. They knew, though. Sometimes I hated summer because it meant the windows were open. In winter, at least, I had some cover.
There are many more of us than people realize.
I'm so relieved to see how you are telling the stories, because it's the silence and shame that kill us. I'm also glad to see you have a boring marriage. Me too. It's the accomplishment of a lifetime. We are partners in the business of running a family and raising a healthy son. He is supremely healthy, too. I'm so proud of that. Of course, your mother is not the authority on this, or probably anything and I'm just as relieved to see you don't listen.
It's nice to hear you both talk and I will add that my only child (now adult daughter), as with your daughters, appreciates the much more stable childhood she received since we, her parents, were much more careful in whom we chose to marry than her paternal grandparents were.
Lovely and devastating. To be validated as an adult that people saw what you lived through as a child must feel both unnerving and gratifying. To hear an abusive parent acknowledge she was called out for being a danger to her family ... what do you do with that information? How are you meant to understand this now?
Thanks for reading. You ask some great questions. I'm not sure how to feel about learning that our family turmoil was neighborhood news. I guess it makes me realize I'm not crazy after all.
A reminder of how little conscious awareness we have as children of events around us that have the potential to radically disrupt our lives - although I can register memories of my mother crying and father's absences, the revelation of his affair when he actually left home for a brief period with his lover of the time came as wholly unexpected. I had no experiential context to fall back on. We really are different people as children. Excellent memoir!
Thanks for reading and sharing. I'm not sure if you have siblings, but I find myself trying to find validation in my memory of past events by double-checking with my sibs. I'm the oldest so I should have the most intact memories, but I find that is not always the case.
You had neighbors who came up and warned that somebody would get hurt. In my neighborhood, they drew the curtains and turned the lights off so they wouldn't be seen peeking out at the neighbors crashing into things and yelling at each other. No one called the police, because people thought what happened within the walls should stay within the walls. Not even the police or government would mess with how the head of a household governed his own household. That is one thing I envied about America, that there was a child protection service, a women's shelter. Regardless, I am sorry you went through this as a young child. No child should have.
Your words do wonders for me. Thanks so much for your support. I agree, a boring marriage is a grand accomplishment. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Thanks for your observations. It is true that sometimes neighbors or friends intervene, but the participants in the family dysfunction feel isolated and alone. I was shocked to find out now, as a 55 yo woman, that our neighbors had been aware our family was broken.
It takes a great amount of courage to share something so vulnerable. These experiences are indelible and it takes a vast amount of bravery to continue to not only function but thrive with such a pernicious parent in the home. Look at you. You are beautiful.
Thanks for your thoughtful comments. I appreciate you!
Oh, that was beautifully written. Is it Hemingway who said to “write what is true?” Mark Twain? It’s probably been said a lot. It seems to be good advice in your case, because both of these ponderings on your parents are as full of pathos as any full-length novel. Phew. Gorgeously described, heavy life. Funny too. The line about your mom’s attempts to help you see the imperfections in the marriage you enjoy being in is ✨
Greetings Sarah! So glad you liked my essay. I really appreciate your comments. Hope you are enjoying your writing retreat!
Your family life experience is a bit similar to my own. My parents were unhappily married all along, but thankfully they parted ways without physical violence. My wife reminds me of your mother in that she always has simmering distrust of the neighbors. My daughter and I think the wife next door is nice while my wife despises her most of all for being pretty and suspiciously conventional.
I am sorry that your childhood was also marred by family dysfunction. There are so many of us that grow up thinking we are in a bubble, isolated from the rest of the world. As they say, no man is an island. It turns out we are all connected. We can support each other. Thanks for sharing your experience.
You write beautifully of a child’s fear and the self-consciousness that open windows might leak the family’s terrible secret. This piece gave me chills, and also a huge respect for how you’ve replaced that fear with intimacy both in your marriage and with your friendships.
Thanks Ziggy. Glad to have you as a friend.
My much older sisters grew up when my parents' marriage was much more harmonious. They felt deeply hurt by the conflict, yet one of them told me that I likely would never be able to articulate how much our parents' separation hurt me when I was 10. My younger brother has grown up so malevolent that none of us can speak with him any longer.
My youngest brother won't talk to my mom at all. He won't talk about his childhood even with his wife or kids. Very closed off.
Dear friend, thank you for sharing your story. I have known the outline and your beautiful and heartbreaking description makes me think of little you and the importance of connection. And the healing you may be feeling as well as the healing you might bring to others by sharing it.
Hello Sharon, I really appreciate your words. Thanks so much for reading!.
Wow. This is so powerful. I'm grateful to you for being able and willing to pull the covers off the lie. I was always aware that my neighbors knew. They called the police several times. They sent a representative to speak to my dad. The police told my dad to go to bed and sleep it off. Everyone shook their heads: someone's gonna get hurt. They were powerless because the laws were toothless. A man's home was his castle, unless the woman signed a complaint. What woman in her right mind would do that? Where would she sleep after doing a thing like that? Where would the four children sleep?
So, I knew they knew, and still we kept the secret. In family meetings, which usually came after a particularly violent outbreak, my father made us repeat: "We do not talk to outsiders about what happens in the family." That was the gaslighting. They knew, though. Sometimes I hated summer because it meant the windows were open. In winter, at least, I had some cover.
There are many more of us than people realize.
I'm so relieved to see how you are telling the stories, because it's the silence and shame that kill us. I'm also glad to see you have a boring marriage. Me too. It's the accomplishment of a lifetime. We are partners in the business of running a family and raising a healthy son. He is supremely healthy, too. I'm so proud of that. Of course, your mother is not the authority on this, or probably anything and I'm just as relieved to see you don't listen.
Keep writing. I'll keep reading.
Your words mean a lot to me. Thanks so much for reading. A boring marriage is a grand accomplishment! I would give it up for anything.
Me either. I could argue that my boring marriage saved my life and is the chief reason my son is a happy, well-adjusted adult.
So true…my two reasonably well-adjusted daughters would probably say the same.
Yes. I figured that out about your daughters too. Brava on that.
It's nice to hear you both talk and I will add that my only child (now adult daughter), as with your daughters, appreciates the much more stable childhood she received since we, her parents, were much more careful in whom we chose to marry than her paternal grandparents were.
Lovely and devastating. To be validated as an adult that people saw what you lived through as a child must feel both unnerving and gratifying. To hear an abusive parent acknowledge she was called out for being a danger to her family ... what do you do with that information? How are you meant to understand this now?
Thanks for reading and commenting. I'm glad to hear it touched you.
Thanks for reading. You ask some great questions. I'm not sure how to feel about learning that our family turmoil was neighborhood news. I guess it makes me realize I'm not crazy after all.
A reminder of how little conscious awareness we have as children of events around us that have the potential to radically disrupt our lives - although I can register memories of my mother crying and father's absences, the revelation of his affair when he actually left home for a brief period with his lover of the time came as wholly unexpected. I had no experiential context to fall back on. We really are different people as children. Excellent memoir!
Thanks for reading and sharing. I'm not sure if you have siblings, but I find myself trying to find validation in my memory of past events by double-checking with my sibs. I'm the oldest so I should have the most intact memories, but I find that is not always the case.
You had neighbors who came up and warned that somebody would get hurt. In my neighborhood, they drew the curtains and turned the lights off so they wouldn't be seen peeking out at the neighbors crashing into things and yelling at each other. No one called the police, because people thought what happened within the walls should stay within the walls. Not even the police or government would mess with how the head of a household governed his own household. That is one thing I envied about America, that there was a child protection service, a women's shelter. Regardless, I am sorry you went through this as a young child. No child should have.